'Every now and again we get that feeling And the great big void inside us opens up And I really wish that you could help But my head is like a carousel And I'm going round in circles I'm going round in circles'
We all have a happy place we can go to in our minds. A place we can dream into, forget the day we're having. Maybe it's a childhood memory, a place, a dream where we're the hero slaying monsters. Maybe the place we dream to changes as we get older. Or we get to serious and forget to daydream.
Caitlin's happy place is music, to comfort, escape to, to make sense of things. Bring Me The Horizon the band that transports her to that safe place easiest, to a place with a Happy Song. Happy Song by title, an exploration of depression and how music can take us away from the dark places depression can lead us into.
'I've had enough There's a voice in my head Says I'm better off dead.'
Caitlin has had depression for years. She's also allowed us to write her story candidly. A story that includes self harm from a very young age, suicide attempts and hospitalisation, meds, a late diagnosis of autism.
Mental health is an issue that's so often so hard for society to accept or understand. We don't want our kids and teenagers to be suffering, self harming, making attempts on their lives. But it does happen. Is happening.
'But if I sing along A little fucking louder To a happy song I'll be alright.'
Caitlin is 19. She's going to college where she does get help for her mental health issues and wants to be a social worker. She lives most of the time at college which gives her space from home which can feel confining at times. There's three younger half siblings at home, mum Lisa and her step dad.
When we told Caitlin she was going to BMTH it wasn't long before she was sabotaging and gave up on the trip and said she wasn't going to go. That's such a heartbreaking part of depression; that we can be taken so low, feel so bad about ourselves that even when we get a dream come true we can feel like we're not worth it and go out of our way to mess it up so we can say...see, I'm not worth it. But Caitlin is.
'You want to give up Gave it all that you've got And it still doesn't cut.'
And she is to her mum Lisa. Which Caitlin doesn't realise sometimes or want to know at others, yet another way depression can play with us. Lisa wanted Caitlin's trip to be very special. We had already taken her son Elliot to see Queen in Brussels as their wasn't a UK date so Lisa wanted the same for Caitlin so she'd know she meant as much as him.
And that's what she's got. A trip to see her favourite band in Brussels with her mum. A chance for mother and daughter to spend time together in a fresh environment. Spending time alone with mum is really important to Caitlin and her face lit up when she knew it would be the two of them.
So in a couple of week Given To Live will be meeting Caitlin and Lisa at Bristol Temple Meads station and heading to Brussels. Caitlin is excited, so excited that when we spoke earlier and I mentioned it's two weeks tomorrow the scream was so loud I thought she'd fallen and hurt herself...nope, a scream of excitement. Lisa on the other hand is not a great fan of rock music and when Caitlin was kind enough to play BMTH in the car for mum I'm told it took about 20 seconds before mum let out a resigned sigh and 'oh god, what have I let myself in for!'
Sometimes when we love someone and they can't see it or feel it we have to go big. There might not be earplugs big enough for Lisa but there is so much love for Caitlin that mum will be stood next to her at Bring Me The Horizon. I think Caitlin does understand what this means for mum as well, earlier she said she didn't understand at first why mum was doing this, I thought she hated me. That changed, sabotage long over Caitlin said today, 'This is the best thing anyone's ever given me. No one's done anything like this for me.'
We want Lisa to enjoy the show and we're pretty sure Lisa isn't going to suddenly get overwhelmed with a desire to headband and solo on an air guitar but she might feel like singing along...
'So let's sing along Let's sing along A little fucking louder A little fucking louder Well, don't you feel so much better?'